


Subtle Variations

by fleurofthecourt



Series: Rainbow Veins [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, Depressed Castiel, Guilt, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Episode: s11e10 The Devil in the Details, References to Depression, Season/Series 11, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-15 22:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5801842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurofthecourt/pseuds/fleurofthecourt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i> Lucifer </i> </p><p>A long deep breath hardly steadies him. He thinks he’s going to throw up or faint or have a coronary. Possibly all three at once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't exactly an episode tag, but it is set after The Devil is in the Details.

_Lucifer_

A long deep breath hardly steadies him. He thinks he’s going to throw up or faint or have a coronary. Possibly all three at once. 

_Fucking Lucifer_

He grips the war room table and somehow manages to spit out, "How did you...how?” 

“Oh come on, Dean. Cassie here? Kid was all too eager to let me go for a joyride. Hardly needed any convincing. Told him I could win the big showdown, and, well, he practically jumped,” Cas -- Lucifer -- throws up his hands and everything inside of Dean is screaming. 

_This isn’t Cas. This isn’t Cas. This isn’t Cas._

__His voice is too high, his eyes and limbs far too animated._ _

__And how...how could he possibly have not known?_ _

__All the little oddities -- the overextended curl of his lips, the uncomfortable pacing of his words, the out of place and overdone affection -- the slight but somehow jarringly off mannerisms tumble into place and topple over like dominoes._ _

_This isn’t Cas._

__“And why wouldn’t he? He’s just a hammer to you Winchesters, anyway. Isn’t that right?”_ _

__The words, Cas’ words from so long ago, thrown in his face turn Dean’s blood to ice._ _

_Cas couldn’t possibly still believe that?_

_Could he?_

__Completely unbidden the past several years turn over and over in Dean’s mind. Sporadic images of Cas spring forward: Cas wearily eying the gravel road that leads away from the bunker as Dean hands him the barest of human necessities, Cas sinking wearily into a chair as Dean asks him how long he’s got, Cas staring wearily and sunken eyed at the Netflix home screen in Sam’s room at 3 a.m._ _

_Wearily._

How the fuck did he not know something was **still** wrong? Maybe not displaced, maybe not dying, maybe not cursed....but **something**.

Something that was wrong enough to make him to do something stupid, crazy, and downright reckless. 

All because he wanted to be **useful.**

____Lucifer shakes his head, clasps his hands together, and clicks his tongue. “Oh, Dean, Dean, Dean. I feel for you. I do. You’ve spent so much time worrying about your little brother and yourself and the big picture, you forgot to worry about this one. The one that always, _always_ , worries about you.” _ _ _ _

____Lucifer taps at Cas’ forehead, and Dean’s stomach twists violently. Cas is still in there, being dragged along like a goddamn puppet. Because he didn't see it._ _ _ _

____“And Castiel? He knows where he sits with you, where he’s always going to sit. In the backseat.”_ _ _ _

____He grips Dean’s cheeks with his hands, and Dean ducks back immediately._ _ _ _

____“For Dean, there’s Sam. And then there’s Sam. And...then, well, the story’s getting painfully old really, but...there’s still _always_ Sam. Even if...” _ _ _ _

Dean closes his eyes and pictures Cas as Cas. _His Cas._ The one that cares all too much about everything, with his eternal awkwardness and not quite smile. And he prays _Cas, man, if you can hear me in there, I’m going to get you out of this. Me and Sam, we both are. That’s a promise._

____“Oh, oh, oh, this is too good...” Dean blinks an eye open and sees Lucifer putting his chin in one hand and smirking, “You did. You fell. You fell hard for Heaven’s little black sheep...and you never told him. Oh, Dean. How tragic! And now, if you want to tell him, you’ll just have to tell me. I'll pass the note around class. See if he circles yes and get back to you.”_ _ _ _

"Like hell I'm telling you anything,” Dean snaps. “But I am going to tell _him_ something. Cas, buddy, let me spell this out for you loud and clear: I need _you_. Not your mojo. Not what you know. Not what you can do. _You._ And me and Sam? We’re coming for you. Come hell or high water, we’re getting _you_ back.” 

____His eyes glint with hard steel as he glares at Lucifer, "And if he's not in one piece, you can bet your ass that spending eternity in the Cage is going to seem like a friggin' garden picnic."_ _ _ _

____They're big words, and Lucifer is cackling at them, but Dean has to believe them._ _ _ _


	2. Chapter 2

Guilt tugs at Dean, weighing him down like an anchor, a boulder sized knot pressing painfully against his sternum. 

He doesn’t know _exactly_ why Cas did what he did, but he has the feeling that, if he and Sam had been watching him, watching him at all, they could have stopped him. 

And he feels sick for it. 

But now-- now that it’s too late, Dean does the only thing he can think to do. 

He prays to Cas. He prays to him every night. 

When he presses himself into his memory foam, unable to fully appreciate its comfort, he sweeps his arm across the empty space at his side and whispers: 

_Cas...hope you got your ears on, and that **he** doesn’t. _

_Look, don’t know what the hell you were thinking in Hell. Damn stupid thing to do. Ran headlong into moving traffic here, and I’m kind of pissed at you for it. But...uh, more than that, I’m worried. I’m really worried about you..._

_But we’re going to get you back, Cas. We are. We have to._

Each night when he draws a too thin motel sheet over his chest: 

_Cas, you got your ears? Me and Sammy? Turning over as many stones as we can to get you back. Because we need you. We...I miss you, pal._

Each night when he curls against the Impala’s front seat: 

_Cas, you got your ears? Really spinning our wheels here on kicking Lucifer out of your noggin. But, uh, we got to talking about why he’s in there in the first place. Why you might’ve gone AWOL on us._

_And, uh, with all the Netflix binging and uh, **reckless** stunts... Sam thinks...Sam thinks you might be depressed. And, well, boned up on it. Think he might be on to something. _

_So, uh, definitely still worried about you. But we’re going to get you back, okay? Don’t you go giving up on us._

He has no idea if Cas hears the prayers. 

_Don’t care if you’ve got your ears or not, Cas, need you to know something. You saved me. You saved Sam. You saved the whole goddamn world. That doesn’t make you important, don’t know what does._

He hopes, desperately hopes, that he does. 

_Cas, this is all going to angel voicemail or something, hope you can hack the inbox when we crack you out of there and put the genie back in his bottle, because... you really need to know a couple things. First of all, the bunker? It’s home. Not just for me and Sam. For you. And not just when you’re down and out. **Always.** Because, Cas, it’s home because you’re family. You got it? _

_And me and Sam? We **care** about you. The last thing you are to us is a goddamn hammer. I’m not saying we don’t like having your mojo. We do. Damn handy. But you didn’t have it, wouldn’t matter. **You’re** what’s important. Capice? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have depression, and what happened with Cas really fucked me up ...so... 
> 
> If you, dear reader, suffer from depression, you matter. You're awesome. I sincerely love you for reading this far. 
> 
> If you, dear reader, know anyone that is acting like Cas -- withdrawing from people (binging Netflix 24/7), voicing suicidal or self-deprecating thoughts, doing reckless things etc: TALK TO THEM.


End file.
